After posting the entry When my Church hurts me, I was surprised to find a “request for advice” in one of the comments.
While this is totally unexpected for me and my not be my forte (Status: Unmarried), I guess it wouldn’t hurt if I give it a shot.
Here it is:
I totally understand what you’re going through. It’s part of our Christian life.
I hope you can enlighten me one way or another.
Here’s my current situation.
I am the sole breadwinner in my family and we live in a squatters’ area in Manila.
When it rains, it pours in our house. Laging may tulo ang bubong namin.
I just pray about it. Sometimes the rain will stop. Other times it will get stronger.
I am earning a good amount abroad but I am surprised that my wife does not get our house fixed.
There are always excuses.
Last month, I learned from my eldest son that their mom has been living a luxurious life
away from them. She bought herself a condominium and an owner-type jeep but
keeps it to herself. She does not let our children use it nor the condo.
The other thing is her siblings are all enjoying the same comfort living in her condo and she bought them tricycles and motorcycles. She even pays for the apartment of her parents in San Pedro.
When I talked to her about it, she got mad and threatened to divorce/annul our marriage if I bring the subject up again while insulting and cursing me in front of our children.
Now, I really love her and we’ve been through a lot.
I don’t want to end our long relationship. People are looking up to us and we don’t want to be a bad example to our fellow believers.
Please help me,
Anyone else may email me at:
Firstly, thank you for taking the time and investing trust to write to me and share your problem. Let me first get the disclaimer laid down: I’m a bachelor in my late 20’s. So I may not be able to directly address your concerns as married men could, but I pray to the Lord for wisdom and guidance.
As a starter, I can relate to your situation at some point. Ako ang panganay at
breadwinner biggest contributor sa aming finances and have been supporting a family of 6 this since I started paying taxes. Although not in a squatter’s area, we also live under a roof with rain holes.
There. Now let me address your questions with questions.
Do you happen to know how luxurious her way of living is? Is your remittance (or savings) big enough to sustain the monthly rental of a condo unit (kung sakaling dun nya kinukuha ang pambayad sa condo)? Any evidence that your wife bought the jeep for herself using your money? How many children do you have and how old are they? Bakit hindi sila magkakasama sa bahay? About your in-laws enjoying your money, at what extent are they enjoying it? Ilan yung tricycle? Sigurado ka bang lahat yun binayaran ng asawa mo using your money?
I am asking these questions because ang unang gusto kong itulong sayo is to help you stop thinking that you have been cheated. Pag iniisip kase natin na dehado tayo, na niloko tayo, mas nagiging mahirap mag-isip ng matino. So FIRST STEP: STOP THINKING YOU ARE A VICTIM.
Pag binibigyan kase natin ng “benefit of a doubt” yung naka-offend sa atin, we are doing them a favor and that gives us a sense of control (sa sitwasyon at sa reactions natin). We can now choose whether we will allow ourselves to be hurt as a result (victim mindset) or we will be on top of the game and decide how the issue will flow.
About your wife’s behavior, since first-hand experience mo ito, obviously you don’t need evidences. Alin sa mga behavior nya ang kaya mong itolerate at alin ang hindi? Bakit malakas ang loob nyang i-blackmail ka with divorce/annulment? Divorce or annulment is a long and costly legal process, saan naman sya kukuha ng pera to finance that should she decide to push it through? Kaya nya nga ba talaga or namba-bluff lang sya?
And if she is really decided to push it through, it means ang pagpapahalaga nya sa relasyon ninyo ay hindi kasing timbang ng pagpapahalaga mo. I know this is painful but, is she worth keeping? Since nabanggit mo na she’s insulting and cursing you in front of your children, hindi kaya mas maging maginhawa ka pa in the long run kung hahayaan mo na sya umalis?
Yes, I know the Bible is against divorce/annulment, but if this relationship will adversely affect your self respect, spiritual and psychological health as well as that of your children, I believe that God is more concerned about your soul which is an eternal stuff than the temporal value of your marriage. About being bad example to fellow believers, seriously bro, of all these things naiisip mo pa ang reputasyon mo at iisipin ng mga tao? C’mon! Baka nga ikaw lang ang nagiisip na magiisip sila ng ganun sayo.
You have been carrying a lot of things lately my dear brother, try to unload.
Keep in mind that the Lord is sovereign and knows everything. Maaaring hindi natin naiintindihan sa ngayon, the ride ahead may be crashy and bumpy, but trust that GOD IS IN CONTROL.
Finally, Find a good church in your area, wala pa ring tatalo sa support system na naibibigay ng isang local fellowship of brethren na physically there para sayo.
I hope nakatulong kahit papaano.